Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.