[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these