I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love
Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack
Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names
Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss