[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

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Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.


A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator


“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??


3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.


Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*


instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these