Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.