Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got to our Airbnb!

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

idk what this dog had been going through but same

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food