Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery