[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*