Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

What a kind woman! 😂😂

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?