[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
You Might Also Like
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol