[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
You Might Also Like
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Pass gas, not judgment.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”