[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
This joke is 7 years old
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”