[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
I only eat vegetarians.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
