Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

*has no idea what a book even is*

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

The Struggle

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.