[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.