Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.