Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

good work, everybody

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”