[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Rambo Rambow
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.