Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

anyone else like Italian cereal

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.