[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
You Might Also Like
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Every work meeting this week
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.