Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is uni

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.