Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

can’t talk my ride’s here

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

“We will wed,” I threatened

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard