*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!