Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

When I snag the last meatball.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”