Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.