[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.