Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

The human personality is made of five key elements

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.