Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep