Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.