[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
sounds kinky. i’m in.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Squirrels before girls.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.