[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
watching gymnastics
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Breaking news:
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.