[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
You Might Also Like
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Not messing around
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”