Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Cat is stressing him out.

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

😂🍻

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.