Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Goat cheese is for herders.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom