Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Do not disturb.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid
“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.