[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]