@Reverend_Scott

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

You Might Also Like

@FattMernandez

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

@JimNorton

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

@sliver_of

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

@Beagz

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

@JermHimselfish

The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth

@Lexactly

Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid

@LunchJournals

“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”

@FeralCrone

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers