Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”