Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?