Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

*bites zombie*

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!