[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school