[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
You Might Also Like
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.