@dafloydsta

[on Dating Game]

HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?

[I glance at the stains on my shirt]

ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.

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@FrenulumBreve

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

@TankCesar

Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..

@0point5twins

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

@Jam453Lane

Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.

@RidiculousSheri

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random

@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

@PeachesMcPeach

Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!