I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
#winning
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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