[on Dating Game]

HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?

[I glance at the stains on my shirt]

ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.

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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.


“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first


Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.


Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..


Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.


Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.


It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly


Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random


Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years


Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!