*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.