Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*