*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
just left a huge legacy in there
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!