Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Match dot com, but for socks.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.