Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My god she’s good.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.