*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
You Might Also Like
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
