[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.