Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.