Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

OMG 🤣🤣

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Auto correct is my worst enema.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.