Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.