[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.