Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh