Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework