Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Do one thing every day that scares people.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct