[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Managing expectations
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.