[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
When libraries troll their patrons.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.