on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.