on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Ummm
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’