My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
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[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away