@killlmefam

*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt

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@jjhartinger

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

@Reverend_Scott

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

@kelkulus

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

@smerobin

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

@Laser_Cat

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

@2tickytacky

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

@BoogTweets

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

@junejuly12

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

@shutupaida

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away