I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“you recording!?”