Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds