Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand