Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy