On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?