[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
no regrets
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I’d love this…lol
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.