Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

how to have an accident 101

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

estão todos miauvindo?