Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”