*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You Might Also Like
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.