*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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Fiction has to make sense.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing