Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

Need this in my life lol

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food