Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

is it earth

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!