[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Morning.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.