{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
peeping toms
Life is a suicide mission.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Investing in beetcoin
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot