Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS