{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
You Might Also Like
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.