Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

According to math, I’m broke

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside