On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
No one can handle that
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
God has abandoned us.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk