Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

I can also cook 😂

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Put this video in the Louvre

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.