On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Livid.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
“Huge”.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭