Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining