Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
who wants to go expliring
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
#JohnTravolta