On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Go girl power!
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
welcome back
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.