On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit