Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

sigh

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Intelligence is the new cleavage

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history